


And may all your Christmases be white

by tisktisk (PornyZiallFeels)



Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... [7]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Sad Liam, mentions zayn leaving 1d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:02:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PornyZiallFeels/pseuds/tisktisk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me 7 feet of snow</p>
            </blockquote>





	And may all your Christmases be white

**Author's Note:**

> Warning this fic touches on Zayn leaving, the reasoning and whatnot so if that's not your cuppa tea then maybe skip this one!

It’s been ten months since Zayn decided not to return to the tour—nine since he decided to quit the band altogether, to walk away from the phenomenon he’d helped build. For the last five years it was just the five of them against the world reaching heights that most could only dream of and overcoming so many obstacles thrown their way, proving all the haters and naysayers wrong.

Everyone thinks his leaving came as a complete shock and in a way it did—that he actually went through with it was the shocking part but anyone who truly knew him could see that he wasn’t happy, that the music they were making and performing night after night just didn’t fill him with the same joy and excitement that it used to, back when it was all shiny and new—like it still did for the rest of them.

Liam especially knew the doubts that plagued Zayn his everyday confliction of not wanting to disappoint the fans and not wanting to let the other lads down but also being miserable day in and day out because while he had everything he’d ever dreamed of singing, performing to huge crowds, attending award shows, and other celebrity affairs—the glitz and glam of fame. He’s achieved so much in such a short time and got to do it all with his three best friends…and Liam who was much more than just a friend. Right from the very start back when they were all clueless boys on the x factor chasing a dream with a hope and prayer and the heart and work ethic to attain it all Liam had always been _more_ to Zayn.

But what did it all matter if he didn’t believe in the music they were making, if he didn’t love or identify with it like the others seem to, sometimes he felt like an outsider in his own band when the other four would work on a song that he couldn’t contribute to no matter how hard he tried, because it wasn’t his kind of music, it never was. He tried in the beginning to put his own little twist on songs that didn’t really cater to his tastes or vocal range, but after being shot down countless times, forced to sing it the way others wanted him to instead of what felt right, it stopped being fun, nearly killed his passion entirely.

They’d actually discussed it a few nights before Zayn up and left tour due to mental stress, he and Liam lay cuddled together in a hotel in Tokyo, the credits to Kick ass 2 rolling as the movie came to an end.

_Liam yawned loudly and reached over for the remote to turn the tv off, completely knackered but as he reached for the clicker he caught sight of Zayn lying there looking far off while worrying his bottom lip between his teeth._

_“Babe you alright?” Zayn startled from his thoughts, guilt flashing on his face before he quickly schooled his features into an awkward smile, the kind usually reserved for the paps._

_“Huh? Oh yeah I’m fine just thinking is all.”_

_“About what?” Liam pressed, reaching out to give the other boy’s knee and encouraging squeeze._

_Zayn shrugged, eyes trained on Liam’s hand, now rubbing soft circles through the blanket. “Nothing important.” He mumbled not even attempting to sound sincere. They’ve known each other way too long for him to think that Liam was going to buy that flimsy excuse._

_“I think you’re lying, and from the expression on your face I’d say it was pretty important.”_

_“Guess I can’t get anything passed ya can I?” Liam shook his head, grinning in that fond way he was oft to do when looking at his boyfriend._

_“Soz, after four years of dating there’s not much you can get by me.”_

_Zayn let out a huge sigh. “Just as well, think I need to talk about this with someone yeah?”_

_“Talk about what?”_

_“All this—this madness, what our life has become.” Liam’s smile fell from his face, picking up at the gravity in Zayn’s voice he sat up, leaning back against the bed’s headboard._

_“What’re you talking about?”_

_“Our life.” Zayn said, waving his hand around the room. “I’m not…I’m not really happy anymore Lee. I mean this ride we’re one it’s amazing and I realize how blessed I am to be on it, I really appreciate all that our fans have given us, what they continue to do for us but I don’t know if this is for me anymore, I don’t want to do it anymore, not this way anyway.”_

_“What do you mean?” Liam asked again not quite getting it, sure he’s had his moments when he wished their fans were a little less passionate, swarming their hotels, somehow always knowing where they were or were headed making it harder for them to actually go exploring—they all have but it was such a small price to pay considering all the things they_ were _able to do because of them, so it all balanced itself out eventually._

_“I mean we’ve been all around the world and haven’t really seen any of it, I mean I can’t go anywhere without cameras and phones being shoved in my face people making their assumptions about me instead of getting to know me…I’m tired of being seen as the ‘bad boy’ just because that’s the role I was given at the very start, like that’s all I’m allowed to be anymore when I am so much more than that, I have so much more to offer.” His cheeks were flushed and his breath coming out a bit ragged as he worked himself up, like all of this had just been festering inside for god knows how long—eating away at him and now that he’s broke the seal everything was coming flooding out._

_“And it’s not even that I’m tired of living the life of a rockstar because I quite like the fame and the parties and winning the occasional award. I know I’ll never truly be ‘normal’ or lead a life outside of the spotlight not unless I disappear completely and become some kind of nomad, which I don’t want to do I love singing and performing, it’s the music we’re putting out that’s the problem, it’s not bad music but it’s not exactly the type I dreamed of singing when I was a little boy—I always thought of myself as more of an R &B singer, hell I auditioned for the x factor with a bloody Mario tune for fuck sake that’s the path I was always destined for and while it’s been fun having a laugh and creating something legendary with you lads it just doesn’t feel real anymore, not to me.”_

_“Zayn what are you saying that you don’t want to be in the band anymore? You want to leave? Leave me?” Liam asked biting his lip._

_“What no, Lee you’re not listening to what I’m saying it’s not you lot—” He insisted, reaching over to stroke the side of Liam’s face, tracing a finger over his soft mouth so that he’d stop biting it. “Truthfully you’re the best part of it! Fuck the money and fame you all are my family; you are my soul mate I’d never regret you…I just don’t know if the band is the right fit for me anymore you know?”_

_“You think you’ve outgrown us or something?” Liam asked, watching as Zayn threw his head back to shake his head up at the ceiling in frustration._

_“It’s not that Liam, it’s the type of music we’re making, it’s not the kind of music I enjoy—that I’d actually listen to. It’s like I’m trying to sell a product I wouldn’t even use myself, like I’m some kind of hypocrite or summat. Singing these songs and expecting people to buy and listen to them when I’m not feeling them myself ya know?”_

_“So if given the chance you think you’d want to go solo? Be the Jt of 1D?” He joked, trying to ease some of the tension in the room, because it’s not like they haven’t discussed this before the five of them had initially auditioned as solo artists—had gone on the show with an idea of what kind of artist they wanted to be and none of them aspired to be Nsync or Take that._

_Harry and Louis were the only ones with experience being in a band but not even they had considered being put through with four strangers—being given such a short amount of time to get to know each other learn their individual strengths and weaknesses and what roles each boy would play in the group before Judges houses._

_He and Zayn had always leaned more towards R &B bonding over their love for Usher, Chris Brown and Michael Jackson among other artists, the two of them often getting into friendly little riff offs which bitterly Zayn always won. But it was just fun—the band, what they’ve become trumped everything else_

_Zayn wasn’t going anywhere, not really._

_“Pfft yeah right we all know that’s gonna be you.” Zayn insisted, bopping Liam gently on the nose to make him giggle, going crossed eyed. And just like that the mood in the room had lightened again._

_“Don’t worry babe you’ll get more writing credit on the next album, give it a more R &B vibe yeah? Help you find your passion again.” Zayn nodded but he wouldn’t meet Liam’s eyes as he said:_

_“Sure, yeah that’ll do it I’m sure you’re right babe.” He agreed with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, Liam thought about pointing it out but decided against it as the older boys suddenly let out a huge yawn, blaming tonight’s weirdness on exhaustion._

_Slipping further under the covers Zayn turned onto his side to face Liam, eyes going soft with a smile to match. “I love you, you know that right? Like even if I ever did leave that wouldn’t change this.” He said, gesturing between them, “we’re forever babe.”_

_Liam rolled his eyes, switching the bedside lap off before pulling the blankets up to his chin and turning to mirror Zayn. “Of course we are, but let’s not even think about it we’ve got early sound check tomorrow so we’d better get some sleep.”_

Little did he know that just a few weeks later Zayn would really do it, would quit the band. For a while he was angry like the rest of the lads—fueled by Louis’ hurt and anger which was the worst of them all he ignored all of Zayn’s texts, let his calls go to voicemail, deleting any messages he left without even listening to them and even thought about changing his number but couldn’t quite bring himself to sever the only remaining link to Zayn he had.

It wasn’t until they finished their fifth album, the first without Zayn and dropped their very first single that garnered an amazing reaction from the fans and critics alike that he finally was able to let himself forgive Zayn—seeing that they could still do it, without him and then Zayn tweeted about Drag me down giving them his seal of approval proving that despite it all he still cared, would always support them and want them to succeed.

Spurring him to finally reply—using twitter to offer Zayn an olive branch.

His phone buzzed with a new text moments later, it was of course from Zayn and simply read:

**_Hey x_ **

Slowly but surely the two of them worked on mending their friendship before they could even think about being more. But with Zayn now living permanently in L.A. and Liam mostly based out of London they haven’t had any real opportunity to meet up, leaving the pair to communicate mostly through texts and video chats.

When the lads decided not to tour for the new album, all agreeing that after five years of working nonstop that they deserved a little break to just stop and appreciate all that they’ve achieved, work on side projects if they like but most of all just relax and see their loved ones. Liam figured he’d finally have the time he and Zayn needed to truly fix things between them.

So as Christmas approached the band got all their last performances out of the way, placating the fans who were bummed when the band announced that they weren’t going to be touring for Made in the AM by performing a couple of their new songs to make it up to them before they began their hiatus.

The two of them found themselves both in L.A. at the same time Liam there for a string of holiday concerts and Zayn just doing whatever it is he did these days which most recently seemed to be getting chummy with Gigi Hadid. They managed to hook up a couple of times making up for lost time.

Liam was embarrassed by how easily the walls he’d built up between them came tumbling down once Zayn was within reach, the two boys instantly falling into one another and into Zayn’s bed.

It had been too fucking long.

Now days away from Christmas with an entire ocean between them Liam watching the seconds tick by on his wall clock until it was time for him and Zayn to Skype.

When the clock read ten he hit the call button of his skype window listening to it dial and ring, he took this time to admire Zayn’s icon a HQ photo of him from the Versace fashion show he'd attended a few months earlier with his hair buzzed and bleached making his already gorgeous eyes even prettier. Zayn accepts on the fourth or fifth ring. His smiling face filling the screen, leaving Liam confused as to why he was shirtless.

 “Hey babe you alright?” He asked, squinting slightly from the glare of the sun and based on the perfect view of the LA mountains behind him Liam could tell he was sitting out on his terrace

“Yeah I’m good, how’re you?”

“I’m perfect mate, just out here enjoying December in paradise—can you believe it’s technically winter and I’m out here in just a pair of jean cut offs?”

“Did you cut them yourself like Caroline showed you?”

“Hell yeah I don’t even own jeans anymore I’ve cut them all into shorts, I’m living the good life Lee.”

“Sounds like it, wish I was there tell the truth it’s cold as balls here.”

“And exactly how cold is _balls cold_ again?”

“Oh sod off!” Liam growled making Zayn laugh.

“Oi language Liam, I see you’ve been hanging around Tommo too much, he’s a bad influence on ya. How is he and the rest anyway?” He casually slipped in, staring at something over Liam’s shoulder.

“They’re good, Louis even brought you up without punching something immediately after the other day. And Niall used that old Taylor Swift joke you taught him to try and pick a girl up at the pub—it didn’t work but just the fact that he used it knowing the memories that were attached is a huge step no?”

“Are you talking about the time I called into the radio to make him smile?”

“Yep that’s the one.”

“Oh wow yeah that is a huge step then…think maybe he’d actually reply if I sent him a text?” He asked with a hint of hope in his voice that didn’t go unnoticed.

Liam shook his head sadly. “Soz babe, I don’t think he’s quite there yet.”

“Oh.” Zayn sighed physically deflating. “Well what about Harry then?”

“Not even close mate, he still makes a joke and changes the subject whenever you’re even mentioned.”

“That sucks.”

Liam hummed in agreement. “I know, just give him time yeah?”

“Alright, so Christmas is coming up.” He said, brightening up a bit at the new subject at the same exact time that Liam asked: “How’s the album coming?”

“You go first.” Zayn insisted.

“I just asked how the album was coming along.”

“Oh good, very good it’s nearly finished actually, I’ve already got a first single picked out and everything.”

“That’s great! Can’t wait to hear it.” And Liam was surprised that he genuinely meant it.

“Oh.” Zayn said as if caught off guard. “I could send you it if you’d like?” He offered, drumming his fingers on his bare abs.

“Sure. Unless you want me to buy it on iTunes when it officially drops?”

“You will anyway.” Zayn pointed out, with an easy flip of his wrist.

“You’re right I will.”

“Well with Christmas coming up and all maybe I can hook you up with an exclusive hard copy for your ears only?”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course babe, you’re my biggest fan it’s only right.”

Liam blushed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Surely your mum and Yasser are your biggest fans.”

“Well duh, but you’re right up there with them babe.”

“Damn right I am; I was president of the Zayn Malik fan club before there even was one.”

“You mean my Zquad.”

Liam drew away from the webcam, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “Your what?”

“My fans, they’re called my Zquad.”

“Oh, cool?” He said, still sounding confused.

“So are you going up to your folks’ for Christmas or are they coming to you this year—to christen the new house?”

“Um, that was the plan but then Sophia decided not to renew her contract which left me to do all the work myself and there was no way I could get it all done in time so I’m afraid I’m Wolverhampton bound yet again this year.”

“Just as well I didn’t like her.”

“You didn’t like Danielle much either.”

“Did you really expect me to? They were both paid to pretend to date my boyfriend, kissing and touching you, god some days it was all I could do to keep myself from going New York vs Pumpkin on their asses!”

“Zayn!” Liam chastised while doing a poor job of masking his laughter

“I know I know water under the bridge, anyway I only asked because I was thinking that maybe you could come out here for the new year?”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I am, I miss you so much, that’s been the hardest part of all—being away from you, going from living out of each other’s pockets to living on completely different continents it’s been quite an adjustment to get used to.”

“Babe…” Liam trailed off, noticing the way the other boy’s voice had begun to waver, watching the corners of his mouth quiver at the unwarranted emotions. “It hasn’t exactly been easy from my end, dodging your calls and messages you don’t know how many times I wanted to pick up just to hear your voice but I couldn’t—was afraid I might say something I couldn’t take back and I—”

“Liam!” Zayn breathed out, sounding a mite overwhelmed.

“I know, I know but I’m ok now, I was just so angry back then that I—”

“No Liam behind you, look!” Confused, Liam turned around and gasped at what he found. Snow falling gently outside his window.

“It’s snowing! The first snowfall of the year.” Liam cried out, lifting the computer and moving over to the window for a better look.

“Really? And I got to see it with you sick!” Zayn cheered, leaning in closer to the camera excitedly.

A few minutes tick by in silence as the two of them watched the snow fall, happy to share such a beautiful moment even though they were miles apart. The sun out and beaming down on Zayn while the moon shown down on a wintery wonderland on Liam’s end.

“This doesn’t feel right be right back.” Zayn says suddenly and Liam turns away from the window just in time to see the other boy set the computer down, disappearing past the camera’s range. He returns a moment later with a green bobble hat on his head and a matching scarf wrapped around his neck though he still hadn’t bothered to pull on a shirt. “There much better.”

“You’re a bit ridiculous.” Liam muttered but the fond smile on his face said otherwise.

Zayn shrugged. “Just getting into the spirit.” He said, toying with the soft fringe at the ends of the scarf, his attention once again drawn to the falling flurries outside.

It really was an ethereal sight, hypnotizing even watching the snowflakes flutter softly down from the sky, painting the city white but it was nothing compared to the beauty in front of him, he could look at Zayn for ages and never get bored of him, easily finding something new to focus on.

“Yes.” He blurts without his minds consent.

“Yes what?” Zayn asked, tearing his eyes away from the snow.

“Yes I’ll come spend New Year’s at yours.”

Zayn’s eyes widened as a smile slowly unfurled on his face as Liam’s words really set in. “You will? That’s brilliant but what changed your mind?”

“Mostly the fact that I’ve kissed you into the New Year for the past four years and I don’t fancy kissing a computer screen for this one.”

Zayn shook his head fondly, and for a moment it looked like he regretted the invitation and meant to take it back reminded of what a loser Liam actually was but instead he reached out to touch the computer as if stroking the side of Liam’s face like he was oft to do. “God you’re such a dork and I’m so glad you’re mine yeah?”

Closing his eyes as if if he concentrated hard enough he could feel Zayn’s touch and whispered:

“Forever babe.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for this, i literally do not know how a story meant to be about two boys watching the snow fall from two separate places int he world...turned into this huge ball of sucky sad feelings :(


End file.
